Okay, so I’ve really have debating about sharing this because it is controversial and vulnerable. It is also not my normal adventure content but you know what, I’m not the same person I was 2 months ago, I’m a mom and things change. So maybe this blog is changing and adapting too! Anyways, I feel it is important to share my truth because I know I can’t be alone in this feeling and I want others to feel heard and seen! So here it is:

I FEEL GUILTY.

And not guilty in the way we often hear “Mom Guilty” being displayed such feeling guilty for doing something without our kids, for wishing for our old life (pre-kids) back, for feeling overwhelmed when we can’t figure out what out child needs or taking time to ourselves. But this guilt, is new to me and something I didn’t expect to feel and honestly hate that I feel. I feel guilty for having a “good pregnancy”, a “good birth” and a “good baby”.

Pregnancy

Now the pregnancy thing is 50/50 because I did get very sick especially in the first trimester and had terrible acid reflux but I did stay active through all 39+ weeks. And to some people, the fact that I still walked to classes, walked my dog, ran errands, and worked out seems outlandish. Now some weeks looked different than others but movement would always happen. Towards the end of my pregnancy I had more energy than the beginning so I hiked mountains and lifted more. But people made me feel GUILTY for feeling good and doing those things because I should be “resting” and how could I have energy to do all these things?

I also only gained 17 pounds in pregnancy and I didn’t tell many people because I was embarrassed that I didn’t gain much weight. I didn’t show till the every end and still remained relatively “small” in comparison to others. Now I say I gained 17 pounds, which is true but honestly I think that was my “net” because I was pretty fit before getting pregnant that I think I lost a ton of muscle mass. But I can’t tell people that, because I’ll be judged or at least that is what I perceive . And I felt GUILTY for the pregnancy I was having because it wasn’t the “norm”. I didn’t gain a shit ton of weight, I didn’t get so large I couldn’t move, and I stayed active, and that made me feel guilty.

Birth

My water broke around 5am a few days before my due date. I honestly wasn’t even sure if it did so I called my midwife and headed to the hospital. Unfortunately, I didn’t go into labor naturally in the 12 hours the hospital allows so I got induced with misoprostoland because I did not want pitocin, my midwife did not question my choices, in fact she suggested it. After 2 doses, I finally went into labor, I think about 9/10pm. I labored well and honestly I have no clue when I went into active labor. I did however, want an unmedicated natural birth.

A few hours into labor I think it was after midnight at this point, my contractions were getting so bad, I didn’t know if I could continue unmedicated but my nurse was committed to helping me stay the course. She helped me reposition and try a bath to help with the contractions. When they continued to get worse, and I continued to question my ability to actually do it no meds, I asked my midwife to check my dilation and I was finally at 8cm! At that point I knew I could do two more centimeters!

At one point, I was so tired and my contractions so challenging, I started falling asleep between contractions and did not open my eyes again until baby girl was laying on my chest after pushing her out. I lost all sense of time and space and what was happening around me. After what felt like 15 minutes from when I was 8cm, I felt my body shift to pushing but my midwife said to hold off pushing, I told her I couldn’t so she checked and I was fully dilated and she could see my baby’s head, Baby girl was coming. I pushed for 38 minutes and then Madelyn entered this world!

I held Madelyn until the cord stops pulsing (delayed cord clamping) and then continued holding her for the golden hour. During this time, Madelyn had her first good latch and feed!

And despite being so proud of myself and happy to be holding baby girl, Madelyn in my arms, I still feel guilty. Guilty that my water broke on it’s own. Guilty I didn’t have pitocin to speed things up or an epidural to withstand the pain. I feel guilty I was able to have an unmedicated natural birth because it is not the norm, it’s not what people do. I feel guilty I didn’t have to fight the nurses for what I want, they listened the first time and didn’t question my motivates. I think social media does this to us, I was so nervous about delivering in a hospital because of the horror stories, I heard but honestly, I think I had a great experience and that makes me feel guilty.

Postpartum/Newborn

Madelyn has continued to latch well and my milk came in 2 days after birth, the day we left the hospital. On day 4, Madelyn was sleeping 4-5 hours a night and already gained back 3oz. She passed her birth weight and was still sleeping 4-5 hours a night by her 1 week appt. At her one month appointment she had gained almost 2.5 pounds from her birth weight and was now sleeping about 6 hours a night. Now almost 8 weeks old, she sleeps about 7+ a night. And I FEEL GULITY. I feel guilty that as a new mom I can sleep through the night.

I’ve also “lucked out” with my milk supply. Since she was born, my body produced so much milk. Now I don’t extra pump or “haakkaa” the other breast when she’s feeding but I do use a milk collector that doesn’t suction to collect my let down. I do pump to feed when my breast are too full (particularly in the morning) because often, my let down is too much for her. But over the 8 weeks, I’ve collected well over 300oz of milk. And I FEEL GUILTY that I’ve had such a strong milk supply and my milk has been sustaining for my baby.

Lastly, since about week 3, I’ve been walking outside every day with my pup and Madelyn. The distance varies but its almost always at least a mile but usually 2 or more miles. I do this because it’s important for me to get out of the house and move my body for my mental health. I also feel it helped me physically recover faster. At 5 weeks, I began lifting again because my body felt ready. At 6 weeks, I began running again. And I FEEL GUILTY that my body feels good and I’m able to get out of the house.

Conclusion

When I tell people all these “good things”, they respond with “well just wait” or “enjoy it while you can” or something along those lines. Indicating that it’s not always going to be good. But why do we just assume that things will get worse? Why don’t we just support moms anyway? I totally feel for the moms struggling but I hate that as a new mom, I’m pushed into this narrative where I FEEL GULITY for having something good. I feel guilty that I had a positive experience with pregnancy, birth, and newborn life.

But I shouldn’t feel guilty because this is my life and I set the tone, not the people around me. And sometimes, things are hard, your body changing is in pregnancy, it isn’t always a “glow”, labor is hard regardless if your medicated or not and breastfeeding isn’t always easy but we do it anyways because of our love for our growing family. There is so much content out there “glorifying” the negatives of this stage of life, but I want to change that. I want to share the positives too! We are all in this together, it takes a village to raise a child, and it starts with support and not the guilt.

So I share this in hopes that maybe people see the other side and think about what they say to new moms regardless of their experience. So that the moms that have it “hard” don’t make the other moms feel bad or vice versa. I share this so a mom out there feeling the same as me can feel seen and valued and not alone. I share this as my truth because I honestly freaking love being a mom and I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. 

So here is to my new content as adventure as a mom. And I hope you come along for the ride!